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Stuart Alan Jones

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private entry [15 Dec 2004|07:15pm]
Bloody vince, still hasn’t called. such a drama queen, running off like that, pretending I don’t exist for weeks. he’ll be back when he needs me. when his next phone bill’s due.

jesus, I actually spent last night with nathan-fucking-stalker, and I didn’t even shag him. we talked for fucks sake, we just talked. I know what his bloody childhood dog’s name was. paddy. paddy the dog. kill me now.
bloody vince. its all his fault.

im not calling.

private entry [14 Dec 2004|07:12pm]
he takes everything so fucking personally. it was a funeral for fucks sake, it was miserable, I needed cheering up. I gave up handsome man for him, because vince decided he had to leave, right then. so we left, right then.
I did a nice thing, I saved phil’s mother from finding her son’s hardcore porn stash. but vince has to go one step further, always. he has to throw himself to the lions, he has to nail himself to the fucking cross, hes not happy unless he’s being a martyr. there was no bloody point in talking to her. her son’s just for christs sake, she’s just found her son dead on his kitchen floor, after od-ing with some one-night-fuck. what good was talking to her going to do vince? he always has to solve the worlds problems. im sick of it.
its not my fault if nathan-im-a-fucking-stalker decides to pay a home visit. its not my fault that hazels running a bloody waifs-and-strays home out of vince’s bedroom. its not my fault. he was just a shag, ok, he doesn’t matter. I don’t care about fucking nathan. and yeah, ok, I did. I fucked nathan, again, in vince’s bedroom. so fucking what. he’s just jealous. that’s all it is.
I don’t care about nathan. he’s no-one. I care about vince. I just wish he’d stop being such a twat.

im not bloody calling him. im not. he’ll be back.

i dont want to go. [09 Dec 2004|08:10pm]
[ mood | doomed ]

good excuses to get out of going to a funeral:

1.black makes me look anaemic and I havent got time for a sunbed before friday.

2.im allergic to grieving mothers.

3.if I feel the need to watch a group of people crying and feeling sorry for themselves, I can watch the street.

4.I didn’t really know him that well anyway.. I didn’t even like him.. I only shagged him once.

5.they’re full of crying poofs, total turn-off.

6.i don’t want to watch vince commit social suicide.. I can do that any night of the week when he’s trying to cop off at 3am.

7.people get pissed off when you try and shag at a funeral.. god knows why, it could do with livening up..

8.it’s no fucking fun, alright. I don’t want to go.

oh god, im going to have to go. fuck.

2 comments|post comment

abducted by aliens from planet straight [07 Dec 2004|01:08pm]
[ mood | success ]

I thought last night was an absolute bloody triumph. I didn’t shag vince’s boss, or anyone else. well.. not strictly true, but.. I didn’t shag anyone who wouldve got vince fired.

you know, vince, you and rosalie make quite a sweet couple. sure you don’t fancy turning? its been so long since you’ve had a bloke, you’re practically a straight man anyway.. think of all the pretty babies you could have, they’re great boy-magnets ;)

of course, vince was ready about five hours before we needed to go. I wasn’t late. I wasn’t. everyone knows you don’t turn up to a party as soon as it starts. jesus, vince, have you never heard of being fashionably late..

organic nibbles. fucks sake, vince, the things you take me to..
arent you proud of me though? I didn’t shag your boss. I played nicely with all your little supermarket-sweep friends, and I didn’t embarrass you all night.
I resisted the urge to snog you in front of the boring shelf-stacking-homophobe-workers. I even resisted the overwhelming desire to shout ‘he takes it up the arse’ in the middle of the speeches. the speeches, god, I have literally never been so bored in my entire life. not even when vince explained in painful detail about the origins of the daleks.. davros… then I tuned out..
anyway, the speeches. all those boring twats in suits who think they’re so bloody important. I cant believe you actually want to be one those twats vince. you’re too good for them. run, while you can still walk and you havent been paralysed trying to stick your head up your own arse.

after the speeches, vince got abducted by rosalie and the straights. so I went off to recover quietly in a dark corner. as it happened, I bumped into an old..‘friend’.. josh, the american boy, blonds, very calvin klein, met in rembrandts that time.. our eyes met over the organic buffet. so while everyone else was busy trying to fit their enormous heads into the tiny conference room, josh and I went off to.. enjoy some.. organic nibbles of our own. its about time someone had sex in those toilets. such a waste, so many straight toilets lying unchristened all over the country..

afterwards, I took pity on vince and rescued him before the nutters from planet straight could recruit him and have him married to rosalie in a shotgun wedding. now don’t say I never so anything for you vince.

7 comments|post comment

party-time [05 Dec 2004|04:06pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

funeral on friday. and I havent got a thing to wear.
not sure the gold suit’s going to do it this time.. maybe the blue.. maybe not.. maybe I should go shopping...

black. its got to be black. classic.
what are you wearing vince? we need to hit the shops, I better make sure you don’t turn up in one of those tight t-shirts.. might as well make you look good if everyone’s going to be staring at you.. surrender yourself to the hands of the fashion god, vince, don’t fight it.

I always knew phil had a warped sense of humour:
he’s making vince read. I can’t wait ;)

13 comments|post comment

She is oh, oh, oh [03 Dec 2004|07:00pm]
Jesus. Fuck. Bollocks.
Fucking Phil. Why does this stuff always happen to me. That’s three of them now. Three shags who’ve copped it.. Not bad really, considering.. three out of… twenty-seven.. million.

But Phil. Christ. I never even meant to shag him. May first, election night. It was practically an orgy, I didn’t really shag him, he just sort of jumped on me, licking me like a deranged lardy puppy..
I didn’t mean to. Not that it makes any difference now.

that’s the thing though. I mean, you can die, and nobody knows. absolutely no-one notices. for days. he was probably decomposing. it wasn’t that we didn’t care. we didn’t check, noone tried to find out where he was, we just assumed.. but you do, I mean who’d go kicking down someone’s door just cause they don’t answer the phone for a few days. only a total nutter. nathan-im-a-fucking-stalker. you just assume theyre shagging someone..or several someones.. it’s just what we do.

when I go I want people to know, I want someone to know.

I think Vince is really upset. Phil was his friend really, not mine. They had lunch together and stuff.. I only saw him when I was copping off with someone else. Even the night I had him, I was trying to cop off with someone else. He didn’t like me. which is ridiculous, because everyone knows I’m lovely.. he was a clever bastard, phil.. brighter than he looked, but you’d have to be if you’re going to go through life looking like an over-stuffed andrex puppy.

fuck, im talking complete crap now.

rip phil. I’ll be thinking of you when im copping off with a beautiful boy who’d never look twice at you.
9 comments|post comment

charity begins... at hom-o/ in the gents... (select whichever you find most amusing) [02 Dec 2004|02:06am]
[ mood | entertain meeeeeeeee ]

now who says charity isnt fun?
the whole save the... starving... gay... children... in africa.. or whatever thing went very well i thought. who would have thought you could shag so many strangers and be charitable at the same time?
the sponsored shag-athon was a stroke of genius, if i do say so myself.. i have to, 'cause vince bloody well isnt... only because he lost. lost like... a dyke in a gay bar....

needless to say this was one charitable event to remember... particularly Tony.. very big.. pockets...
always nice to do your bit for those less fortunate.. hm, maybe should have shagged vince in that case? ;)
ah well, all for a good cause.. if that doesnt get me a place in heaven, i dont know what will.. don't worry vince, ill save you a seat while you're paying for your crimes against gay fashion down below... ;)

bored now.. playing table tennis with yourself is like trying to... shag yourself.. no, that works... erm.. like trying to.. shag a lesbian.. technically done that too...

vince come and entertain me. im waiting.
tardistardistardis.. im going to keep going until you call me..

call me vince. call me. vince. call me. callmecallmecallme.

*shrieks like a girl* ooh, phone..

*cough... macho voice* i wonder who that could be...

3 comments|post comment

aftermath [29 Nov 2004|12:29pm]
i was going to fill you in on last night, but i think enough filling was done by all. the result: one sprained wrist, one sprained arse, two hot boys, one stalker-boy, one pissed off dr who fan, and a partridge in a pear tree..

btw.. vince, charity thing? i remember nothing..
2 comments|post comment

the night to end all... [29 Nov 2004|02:18am]
the only thing better than waking up with a hot boy.... waking up with two ;)

Last Night was... not bad ;)
went out with vince - who managed to bring along phil, alexander, alexander's whore etc. seriously vince, this care in the gay community thing has to stop..
and of course, who should turn up but the happy prince himself.. and his fag hag. fabulous. although has to be said, watching vince fight with the urge to go over and throttle boy wonder when he started chuming with hazel. classic moment.
although following argument made me lose sight of Him. The One (for the night).
He was divine, cant have been that much older than nathan actually.. very..athletic as it turned out.
caught up with him again later, along with a little friend... two for the price of one..
i can see you foaming at the mouth, alexander - dont worry i have the whole event captured on memorex for your viewing pleasure ;) id offer it to vince, but dont want to scare him..

speaking of which, vince was kind enough to provide some light comic relief during the 'interval', with the tale of the copping off that wasn't... sand parasites... you know how to pick 'em.. incidentally hotties 1 and 2 found it v amusing. tempted to agree with them ;)

one last highlight: alexander, dane, fred west and a large snake.. must have been the night for threesomes.. something in the air ;)
even if it did end up as more of a twosome...

6 comments|post comment

fairy invasion [25 Nov 2004|05:29pm]
[ mood | grrrr ]

fuck. my flat looks like a fucking gay refugee camp.
alexander and his band of fairies have descended on my life and left a trai of tiaras and feather boas and crap in their wake...
tried to persuade vince to throw them off when he collected them, but no.
he *likes* having alexander to stay, probably puts some colour (pink) into his grey supermarket life...
this is all your fault vince.

thank god am busy with work. in between that and shagging random strangers, dont have to spend too much time in the fairy queen's palace.
look, i like alexander.. but ive had to watch diana's funeral three times already and he's only been here a day for fucks sake...

am never going to survive. this is what you get for having a fabulous home and living on canal street.. and putting a vending machine in your front room.. alexander's whore 'boyfriend' finds it particularly fascinating.. god knows why.. will probably lose interest once he realises its not a condom machine..

urgh. why did i invite them? am such a twat.
even a visit from stalker-boy would be welcome right now.. jesus, things must be bad..

vince, come and take me out. leave brian the snail at home.

you know you want to ;)

7 comments|post comment

last night [24 Nov 2004|02:08pm]
[ mood | hungover ]

I am never drinking again. why doesnt anyone stop me? Vince, why didnt you stop me? ..someone should have stopped me.

and the pens. i have *got* to get rid of the pens. thanks to no-one stopping me consuming my own weight in alcohol, i now have a karma-sutra interpretation of the alphabet decorating my bedroom walls. and id only just had them repainted after the map of the world incident. fucking pens.

last night was... im guessing good, judging by what i woke up next to this morning. jake is a very nice boy. as is sebastian, even if he does have a twat-ish name. and who says university isnt teaching the kids of today anything? from what i can remember, both jake and seb were very.. knowledgeable, in lots of areas.

i think i spoke to the fairy queen alexander aswell.. well, i remember a high-pitched noise coming out of the phone, that woke up every dog in a ten mile radius, so i assume...
and was i drunk or did i actually see vince tyler cop off last night?.. actually, i was drunk, and it might have been a mirror...
vince, anything you want to share with the class? ;)

oh god, its all coming back. nathan-im-a-fucking-stalker turned up again, right in the middle of jake and sebastian... 'i just want to talk'.. jesus, do i look like a counsellor.. i can do sex, thats it - phone the fucking samaritans if you want to talk.. or vince.
ever worked for the samaritans vince? you'd probably be good at it, you could lull potential suicides into a trance by reciting the dr whos in chronological order or explaining the historical origins of the daleks until they lose the will to die.
there we go, possible career change. you can't be a shop boy forever ;)
the houseboy post is still open, but be quick, i think nathan's interested :p

19 comments|post comment

private [23 Nov 2004|01:50am]
why the fuck isnt he here?
what has vince tyler got to do thats better than looking after me? probably lots of things, but he's supposed to be my friend. some friend you are vince.

i was trying to do him a favour for fuck's sake.. its been *years* since he's copped off.. well, a while. it's not that hard. its what they're there for, a whole street of blokes just waiting to cop off with someone, anyone.
if he stopped looking at me for five minutes, he might see it.
there are hundreds of them, hundreds of men that would want him, hundreds that would be better for him than me.

i need him. fuck.

abandoned [23 Nov 2004|01:32am]
[ mood | dying ]

i am sick. did you hear that, vince? SICK.
i need sustenance and support from my friends, and a decent shag wouldnt go amiss either, but dont feel obliged on that one..

i blame you vince. its your fault i ended up in that alley at god knows what time with no trousers on..
no wonder i caught a cold.. my mother always said, you'll catch your death in an alleyway with no trousers- well, no she didnt say that.. but hazel probably did. in between telling you to always carry k-y and never swallow...
if you'd just gone with the plan, you could have had a nice dinner-date-fuck with the pretty toff.
but no, you had to do your wounded puppy act all night, and *i* had to make it up to him. jesus.
its no wonder you never cop off.

and now im dying and its all your fault, vince tyler. and you havent even been to see me properly.
whats the point of having a kept boy if theyre not there to feed you soup and porn when you're sick.. you can pay your own fucking phone bill vince..

VINCE. where are you? why arent you answering your phone?
im going to die here, and you're not going to know. then you'll be sorry.
stop wanking over tom baker and get over here - or ill take you out, get you pissed and have tardis tattooed on your cock..

even fucking stalker boy doesnt turn up when you want him to.. i could phone him.. ill phone nathan, he'll come and look after me.. right thats it, you're sacked vince tyler. nathan-im-a-fucking-stalker can be my new best friend.

vince. please.

17 comments|post comment

having children.. ;) [19 Nov 2004|01:45pm]
[ mood | working... ]

great, fucking vince makes me start this stupid journal thing, and now he hasnt even updated.. when i took time out of my life at a crucial moment to make sure he had something.. uplifting to read when he woke up ;)

you, vince tyler, are a twat. now write.

this nathan thing is gettin boring.. im not saying you're right, vince, so dont get excited.. its not because he's fifteen.. its because he's a fucking stalker. he's got an obsessive-stalker personality, always following me around, turning up everywhere like my little shadow.. well, sort of like you when you were fifteen.. although without the prequel-shag..

btw vince, ever had a fifteen year old? you should try it before you knock it.. better than the gym.
i always thought id be a good teacher; im good with children ;)
..i can see the vein throbbing in your forehead vince...
you could always take nathan off my hands, you know... having 'the best' for his first time seems sort of wasted without any frame of reference...
or maybe you could just watch him for me while i cop off... take him home and.. watch dr who and feed him hot chocolate..

on that note, daddy vince, how's the babysitting going? having fun with alfie? cant you just see us in ten years, with a little family of mini stuarts and vinces running around.. me sneaking off to canal street while theyre in bed.. you making up the bottles and obsessing..
think about it ;) im sure romy's got lots of willing dyke friends with biological clocks ticking away..
you'd probably make a good dad.. not sure i will.. what can i teach him?
come on son, daddy's going to show you how to cruise..?
then again, why not.. :D the product of a lesbian and a gay man, and surrounded by a commune of dykes and fairies.. be a fucking miracle if little alfie doesnt end up on canal street..
actually, that wouldnt be bad... he could be my heir.. someone to hand my crown down to..

fuck, have to go and do some actual work now, entertaining some wanker... the fucking opera.. jesus.

come and save me vince

3 comments|post comment

welcome to my life [19 Nov 2004|03:15am]
[ mood | satisfied.. for now ;) ]

oh fuck i think this was a bad idea. it wasn't even my idea. thanks a lot, vince.
i don't know what to write.. what do you want to hear about?
my conquests, my fabulous dress sense, my philosophy on life, the story of my traumatic childhood..?
forget that. my journal, my world, my life: you can sit there and read what i want you to.

so, my life... a night in my life:
starts and ends in canal street. it's my home. literally. saves time ;)
anyway, we go out - we being me, vince and any other sad bastards he rounds up - we dance, we drink, and we cop off.. well, some of us do :p
some of us.. *cough*vince*cough* think sex is something they invented for porno films.. although to be fair, vince's idea of porn is a director's cut of dr who.. he's the only person in the world who gets a hard-on from hearing the word tardis.. tardis. tardis. tardis.

ah, dont look at me like that, you know you love me really :p

where was i... oh yeh, drink, dance, cop off. over and over, every single night forever. that's my life.

last night... was a good one ;)
'that blonde bloke' was - for your information vince tyler - a fucking incredible shag..
although it nearly didnt happen, thanks to our little friend. turned up at my door. again.
his timing is almost as good as yours.. we're in the bedroom, ive just got his trousers down (although celine dion boxers! you can never tell..) anyway, buzzer goes, he has to get it 'cause ive got my mouth full.. it's 'some kid for you'... some kid turns out to be the one and only boy wonder.
at two in the fucking morning.. anyway, i stick a pacifier in his mouth, stick him in a cab and send him home to bed..
jesus, you'd think the boy would take the hint.. maybe next time i'll take him upstairs, let him play with the big boys... if you can't beat them....

so what if he's fifteen. dont know why everyone keeps going on about it. he's not a child. god, when i was his age.. even saintly vince wasnt much older.. 16.. although he'll try and tell you it was 14.
he's lying. i remember. he phoned me and told me all about it about 30 seconds after.. fuck, you really cant do anything without me, can you ;)

hm, better go, ive got company and he's waking up...

you know what, vince, this might not have been a totally crap idea after all ;)
call me.

3 comments|post comment

[17 Nov 2004|02:24pm]
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